All her dreams are made of strawberry lemonade . . .

all i know is that i should...

i feel as if life is just one trial after another. i fight so hard everyday to carry on and be a hopeful person.. and i am. i really am. then tragedy besets us over and over again. and you're left wondering.. what the heck is the bloody point? why raise yourself up to these highs only to come crashing down to these incredibly low lows..?

well, you see.. those highs are worth their weight in gold and more. i won't let that drag me down. i know i'm feeling low at this very moment.. but this too shall pass. i can do anything. and i'm so thankful for the ones around me whom i love. they're my foundations and without them, i know it would not be easy to carry on through all these difficult times that have come and gone.. some worse than others. we need to cherish the amazing things that grace our lives every single day. there's no telling when it will be gone.

be kind. be genuine. be honest and be true. be sweet and nice. be a good soul. be romantic. be loving. be caring. be courageous and strong. be you and be no one else but you. stand up for what you believe in. and stand up for those whom you believe in too. be hopeful. be spectacular. be helpful and generous. be right instead of wrong. be there for others. be open. be accepting.
just make sure to be something that you will never look back on and say.. i wish i have never been that way. be better. be much much better.

look to the good things in life.. and let them and your loved ones carry you through into calmer waters. because i know these waves can be so dark, cold and turbulent at times.. and no matter how far down you get thrown sometimes.. remember that it can't rain all the time.

here's to that which makes us stronger.. and sharing our strengths and happiness with the ones that we love. here's to bright memories that remain and shedding the dark ones. here's to sunshine that always breaks through the clouds in the end.

i'm so very thankful for all the sunshine in my life. i'm so very thankful for all the love.

~ Riposa in pace Bernardetta
. you were a bright bright flame in this life and you left an amazing legacy behind.. one that has impacted my life so so much. and so many other people's lives as well. you will never be forgotten. ~

Can't take back those hours but I won't regret cuz you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.

I just came by my blog the other day and it seemed so angry. *frown*

I didn't like that. And it's not that I have anything to say. So, I don't really have a post to write about. But I didn't want to end my posting on such a low note. Because the truth is.. I'm ok now. I'm actually kinda better than ok. Surprisingly. And, I just don't wanna dwell on ugly things anymore and concentrate on the positive and awesome changes in my life. So many great things to come. I'm truly blessed and I love so grandly. Everyday. :)))

I have a tumblr which I post on more frequently... but it's not blog posts. Just random spurts of me. Suits my needs a bit more. I like to think of it as my personal bulletin board full of cute fotos, ideas, feelings and such. It's alright.

Have an awesome day.
much love:
~G .xoxo.

Yes. Yes you are Pathetic & Ruined.

I didn't want to keep any old things anymore from a complete farce. I've gotten rid of mostly everything. But I never email anymore. Who the hell really does with facebook around now?? Plus, I use my uni account for important things. So, I had emails that I never deleted from years ago. Yah.. i know.. i'm SO terrible at housekeeping. So sue me. :P

Well, I'm doing a major overhaul on my life right now.. the rest is all mostly done or on its way. I figured I'd might as well deal with the smaller minor details as well. Clear out any last remaining remnants of old garbage.. right? So, I came across this little ditty at the end of my mailbox. Almost completely forgot about it! So, I reread it... and had a little chuckle. Ya.. i totally just said chuckle lol I'm hardcore nerd styles like that. ;D Frig.. read it yourself. Hysterical, isn't it??! :D

Anyways, thought I'd throw up this piece of crap on here to muse over. Since this IS my site of thoughts, ponderings, musings, experiences.. etc. etc. And at the time.. I was really moved by this little bit. It's funny how believable it may have seemed back then... many many moons ago. And how words can blur your thoughts and decisions and opinions so much.. until you finally learn the real ugly truth.

You were right about one thing though. Any other love would have been far far better love than yours could have ever been . Believe you me when I say that. With the most honesty & sincerity I could ever possibly muster up.

And maybe I seem like a real bitter bitch for posting this. But I'm not. Honest. I'm only actually thinking about it cuz I just came across this as I was deleting all these old files & emails I've had from way too long ago. Do I owe you some decency? Nawwwww.. not at all. In fact... I probably deserve to hang you for your despicable deeds. I'll just post your gay poem instead. Do I still harbour feelings of anger? naww.. the anger's pretty much subsided. The disgust, however.. is still lingering on. Disbelief? Naw.. that's gone too. It's still pretty much just only pure raw disgust over here. Not sure what that even means.. you figure it out. The only thing that bugs me is that I have to see your mug all the time walkin' & drivin' by in my hood. Can you move already? C'mon meow. You have two babies to take care of now.... get a nice lil' house in a nice little area. FAR away from me. Could you do me that one last favour? If I could have nothing to do with you, your face, your name or anything about you for the rest of my entire life.. I would be so completely happy and tranquil. For real FOR REAL! :)

Ok.. Now that I got that off my chest.. I can continue on my little deleting spree.

Enjoy this wonderful little bit people.
Cheers! :))) .xoxo.


[ -- removed by moi. -- ]


[Sept. 24. 2011]
i removed the poem and crossed out what I wrote because I was in a very angry and hurt place back then. not to say that I'm taking back what i said and felt.. because I don't. at all. all those feelings were very real and most importantly, 100% justified. But I choose not to have such harsh hatred and bitterness in my life any more because it isn't worth it. and my heart doesn't need to be in such a dark place anymore. it doesn't deserve to be in those ugly shadows. so, i think it's time i lifted it out of there. :)

Starting now...

It's my world.

    Here's to making brand new paths
    and having paved over all the old ones.
    Happy summer days everyone!


But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -

Starting now I'll never know your name.
Starting now I'll never feel the same.
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.


The past few nights I have been tormented with these dreams and I have no idea where they came out of. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't even go back to sleep because of these wretched dreams. I've been so fine for so long now and totally in the clear. I don't understand it and it's put me into a head spin that I feel like the ground beneath my feet has given out. I don't know where it's coming from and the reason for it. All I know is that I don't want them to be there at all.

I've spent my entire life bottling everything up. It may seem like I write a lot out and tell everyone everything because I'm always posting things on everything. But I'm only posting small bits of the story but maybe not entire truths always.

I went through my very old journal from 2003 and further back.. and reading those old entries made me think of how out of whack things were then. But then when I skipped onward to my 2nd blog.. i have only private entries on the recent posts.. dating back from mid 2007 until August 2008. I came across the most sincere letter I wrote to somebody... I don't know why I never sent it. Maybe it was wise.. it looks like i was grovelling in it.. but in reality, it was the most sincere I have ever been. When I've probably never been. Not with my thoughts and feelings. When you put yourself entirely out there you leave yourself completely vulnerable. I don't like to feel vulnerable. I hate it. So, I never put myself in that position. This is why I flee. This is why I hide, I turn away, I run, I move on.. call it whatever you want to. But when I cannot move forward in a way that will not leave me vulnerable.. the only thing I know how to do .. is retreat.

I don't know how I come across to the rest of the world. To my peers.. and everyone around me. But I know how I feel inside. I feel like the most vulnerable and soft person I have ever known in my entire life. My insides are soft marshmallow puff. Worse. Trust me. If you only knew what was really going on inside of my head right now.. you'd look at me in disbelief. "No way.. you seem so tough and happy go lucky & cheery all the time!" Ya.. maybe sometimes that's sincere.. but I can almost guarantee you that most times.. it's not.

I have no idea why things have happened the way that they did in my life. I don't expect sympathy or pity hugs. I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to let go of so many things... I just want to open up. I'd love to know why..? But I won't hold my breath. So what if I seem so strong and I'll always pull through... but to me.. I am the biggest weakling I've ever known.. and I'm quivering on the ground every single day with how hopeless and defeated I feel and how scared .. terrified I am of loss and so many other things... when all I wish is to quiet that noise. And as cliché as it may sound.. just to be free.

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

With so much to take in that's been happening.. all that I've lived to witness so far.. it's SO so hard to maintain high hopes and positivity. I question the very reasoning for me being here.. every single day! when I don't fit in. I don't belong. My thoughts, my feelings and everything.. almost as if I'm on a different realm. The dis attachment of people. the lies. the deceit. the not caring. stabs and pushes. cuts and wounding. disinterest and shallow gazes. sell to the highest bidder. settle for the lowest bidder with charm & glitz. the list goes on. the pain goes on. and all this dishonesty and hurtfulness around me constantly tears my heart out of my chest on a daily basis. it's become so hard for me to breathe at times.

But occasionally.. just when I feel as if I've lost all hope in humanity and how it rears it's ugly head.. a little something special happens that reignites that little flame inside of my heart and it sets it aglow brighter than any star that I've ever seen in the sky. Thank goodness for tiny miracles, smiles and little lovely happenings. Thank goodness for all of those and more.

and oh, oh how could you do it?

no i, i never saw it coming......

I feel as if I've lost my desire to blog. Nothing I have to say is of much importance anymore. Not after everything that has occurred in the past few years. Not in the way that it is important that I feel the rest of the world needs to know. Well, the rest of the world doesn't need to know. And for that, I've resorted to taking up writing in my book by my bedside. I feel as if my stories are best told by my own hand for my own eyes to read. Anything else, the ones who need to know it, will know it. Does that mean I'm retiring my blog? Are my blogging days over? I'm not really sure what that means. I've always been one for impulsive outbursts of emotions spewed all over these internet pages... since the very first days of my xanga account. I've just had a lot of time to reconsider a lot of things. When certain things happen.. well, let's just say they're real big eye openers. In ways you never thought were possible. Am I angry? Well, no.. not really. I'm tired of being angry and upset. I've never felt as many changes come by me as I have in the past years of my life. In a way, I've been forced into these changes, time to rethink, redesign, reevaluate, etc.. you get the idea. I more into "let's do it" instead of "let's talk about doing it and write it down here". And right now, there isn't a whole lot I want to write down on here. I don't have the time, effort, motivation, desire, energy, etc.. to keep up a blog.. about.. well, about what? Nothing really. I have so much worth sharing.. yet it all passes so quickly that I haven't the time to document and jot it down. And I kinda don't wanna share it. Not with the world. Not right now.

So, I'll leave you with a little slide show video I made. As some of you may have already known, I took on the 365 Days project on Flickr last year and it came to an end this past March. It was a really awesome project but it was a huge commitment. Basically, you had to take one self portrait every single day for an entire year. A self portrait meant anything at all... so long as you were in the photo somehow and you were the one snapping the photo. I learned loads of stuff doing it and I would love to do it again in the future.. just not right now as I haven't the time to dedicate to such a time consuming project. But I'm so happy with the end result and the ways it allowed me to grow in my photography & photo editing skills.

Enjoy the video and enjoy this amazing weather we've been having! :)))

much love:
~G .xoxo.

Go fuck yourself.

I want to blog a nasty open letter.... but I'll refrain from letting off steam and writing out the most colourful and descriptive vulgarities that would make all the flowers in the area wilt. And although I'm upset right now.. and probably shouldn't be blogging.. I feel the need to have to let this out.

Because during this whole time of self discovery... I even thought that I was the reason behind things.. and looking for ways to cut you some slack. Even.. dare I say.. pardon the ways you were being.

How delusional I have been! How wrong and how NAIVE of me!

But.. there is no pardon. There is no excuse. There were only lies and deceit. and SO much of it. And I cannot even believe what I am seeing anymore. What is real. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. And I cannot believe how much of a coward and disgusting dishonourable person you are. I feel nothing but shame and horror and pity for those lives that you now hold in your hands.

I'm in shock. I'm horrified. I'm stunned.. I don't even know what to say.....

Was any of it ever sincere? When you were with me and with her too? Does that make you happy? Does it make you feel good? Is this what you were always looking for?

I hope it was. That and more.

Every single fond memory, thought or feeling I had left of you in my heart... has completely vanished without a trace. You are the most despicable person I've had the misfortune of ever meeting in my lifetime. And I hate that you were that only person in my lifetime. If I could do any one thing over... I would've never met you. I would've never loved you. I would've never known who you are. I would've never let you taken away from me the amount of things you have taken away from me all these years.

I would've chose differently.

I would not have chosen you.


    i gave you my purity.. and my purity you stole
    did you think i wouldn't recognize
    this compromise
    am i just too stupid to realize
    stale incense, old sweat, and lies, lies, LIES!!

Lists of Life.

The up and down weather has been putting my mood in a spin. Therefore, I have nothing to say or add that will inspire or anger anyone. Not today anyway.

I don't forward emails. Ever. (That was something I once did when I had a boring office job and I wasted my time away online.. which I'm sure many others are guilty of.) But I liked this little list. Thought I'd share it.

Happy Monday.
much love:
~G .xoxo.

The Do's & Don'ts of Your Lifetime
  • ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
  • TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
  • THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
  • FOUR . When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it.
  • FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
  • SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
  • SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
  • EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
  • NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
  • TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
  • ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
  • TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
  • THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
  • FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  • FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
  • SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson!
  • SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
  • EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  • NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  • TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
  • TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.


Music Monday: Al Bowlly ~ Guilty

If I was a Rich Girl...

If I was a wealthy girl...
.... I'd buy all these things and more. ^__^

{ all above items from my favourite site ever: Shana Logic }

i think these would look so friggen cute with my already there butterfly tattoo on my leg! ^__^

{ above item from Etsy shop }

{ above item from Tarina Tarantino }

{ above items from Sephora }

Happy Monday. ♥

much love:
~G .xoxo.


Music Monday: Maybe I'll Catch Fire - Alkaline Trio

You've waited a long time for this life... just to ruin it.

A countdown to two things you cannot should not live life without...

{ music }

12 more days 'til brmc. ♥

{ chocolate }



15 more days 'til cadbury creme eggs, cadbury mini eggs, chocolate milk & nutella. ♥

Many good things to come. Indeed. :)))
Happy weekend.

much love:
~G .xoxo.


Cause I might break and I might bend
your heart strings out of tune again

And I might try to apologize..
on a good day... on my best day
If you stick around.

I've got a big fat fucking bone to pick with you my darling.

I really don't feel like blogging.. but only because I'm being lazy. Because I really do want to share my music news with you. Who am I talking about?

Alkaline Trio. That's who.
{haha suddenly the phrase "I'm Naboo, that's who!" popped into my head.}

{and although I'd love to go an on about BRMC's new album that just came out yesterday... I'm going to leave this post for alk trio updates. I have a BRMC concert coming up too.. I'm sure I will have more to post on it. and they each deserve their own post}

So, Alkaline Trio's new album "This Addiction" was just released. I love it. With their usual sound and extra added oomph to it. Tracks like Dine, Dine, Dine My Darling ... Fine... & Off The Map become instant faves. The title track is also pretty amazing.. which was their first single and they have a video released for it as well. But you can go look that up yourself.

I went to their show last weekend at the Phoenix Concert Theatre and it was amazing. I've seen them several other times (at the Opera House, the Warehouse, Sound Academy) but the sound was, by far, the best at the Phoenix. But I've always enjoyed that venue for shows in the past. {Which is partly why I'm so excited to see BRMC there in a few weeks}

I took a few fotos at the show.. but I brought my little camera with me so, the fotos leave a lot to be desired.. but I can't complain. :)

Matt Skiba is love.

Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio

But... the best part was their last song they performed.. which is one of my favourites. I got it on film. The sound quality isn't the best. If it were at any other venue, I'm positive the sound would have been inaudible and completely crap.

So, here's the video I caught of Alkaline Trio performing Radio. :))))

So much amazingness!! :)))

Anyways, go out and get their album. They're so amazing. As ever.
And I would just like to say.. a huge thank you to Shane .. from the bottom of my heart for introducing me to Alkaline Trio so many years ago. (and straylight run & TBS.) --
{on a side note, TBS always trumps Brand New. Sorry love.}

So........ as I continue on my exam studying streak and working on awesome assignments for my Nutrition class (which I adore).. all the while brimming with excitement over the upcoming BRMC concert on April Fool's day.. I'm going to leave you with my favourite track off the new Alkaline Trio album.

AND... I will add that they will be on Letterman tonight! So.. WATCH IT!

AND... I will also add.. that I've been chocolate free for 3 weeks now.. and it's not looking pretty. But.. Easter is approaching soon. And then I will reach for those mini eggs and drown in their chocolaty goodness... Mmmm...

much love:
~G .xoxo.

And i can row row row my boat back to shore some day
so, are you coming with me? Anchors away!! :)

'Cause it was what I wouldn't do...

Just swimming.

It's funny how things seem to be recycling themselves over and over again all around you. And by one way or another... you get dragged into that spin cycle again. Not by choice. Never by choice.

Because it was never about making the choices that you wanted to make.
No. Because we all know what we all would choose instead.
We would want to choose to succumb... to give in... to drown in it.

But instead, it was only about the choices you make..... that you had to make.
Lest you drown forever..... with such sweet suffocation.. and sorrow.
Worst than any addiction one can have. One can kick.

Here's to all the strangled souls who have made these decisions.
Here's to coping and trying to pacify the fire within.
Here's to one more day that you've done it.
Here's to me and you. and you. and also you.

Happy Friday.

much love:
~G .xoxo.


[ DAY 365 / 365 ]

Today was the last day of my 365 project. I cannot believe that I've already reached the end of it. I didn't even think that I would see this project through to the end.. but here I am now. I'm a little glad that I don't have to be taking fotos of myself anymore (for once.. haha).. and will be able to focus more on other things now. Hooray.

Below you can see a little collage of sorts that I put together of my all time favourite shots throughout the year. Or view the entire 365 foto set here.

much love:
~G .xoxo.

P.S. Happy Birthday Mammina. *baci*

Day 005 / 365 Day 006 / 365 Day 011 / 365 Day 025 / 365 Day 030 / 365 Day 037 / 365
Day 038 / 365 Day 048 / 365 Day 051 / 365 Day 063 / 365 Day 070 / 365 Day 071 / 365
Day 078 / 365 Day 085 / 365 Day 086 / 365 Day 095 / 365 Day 098 / 365 Day 099 / 365
Day 105 / 365 Day 111 / 365 Day 116 / 365 Day 119 / 365 Day 121 / 365 - HAPPY CANADA DAY! Day 124 / 365
Day 136 / 365 Day 137 / 365 Day 157 / 365 Day 162 / 365 Day 196 / 365 Day 209 / 365
Day 210 / 365 Day 211 / 365 Day 217 / 365 Day 227 / 365 Day 231 / 365 Day 239 / 365
Day 240 / 365 Day 241 / 365 Day 245 / 365 Day 248 / 365 Day 265 / 365 Day 267 / 365
Day 274 / 365 Day 301 / 365 Day 305 / 365 Day 310 / 365 Day 314 / 365 Day 318 / 365
Day 330 / 365 { Day 333 / 365 } Day 335 / 365 Day 336 / 365 Day 342 / 365 Day 344 / 365
Day 350 / 365 Day 354 / 365 Day 357 / 365 Day 361 / 365 Day 363 / 365 Day 364 / 365

{ click on the thumbnail for the larger size }