All her dreams are made of strawberry lemonade . . .

And what do I want?

Quite frankly, I'm not really sure anymore. I'm waiting for some deep meaningful moment to start.. To appear in front of my eyes. But i have no idea what I'm looking for or waiting for. I was told by my counselor to do things that make me happy. What exactly makes me happy? I thought this would be easy and I could do this so effortlessly. But i have no idea what makes me happy. I dont know what hobbies i care for or things that really inspire me or motivate me or just make me feel jolly in general. I haven't the slightest clue what that is.. I haven't any idea what i want. And what makes me tick. And what makes ME happy. And that the most startling thing for me. So, how do i find this out?

What I've learned so far..

I've learned that people like to point out your mistakes, but deny their own.
I've learned that you can comfort people all you want, but the minute you need comfort, they can barely listen to a few of your own strangled lifeless lines before they bail.
I've learned that just as easily as someone can give you their love, they can take it away from you and leave you there flailing your arms about in the deep end, drowning...
I've learned that people are selfish and at the end of the day, they only care about their own immediate best interest.
I've learned that maybe I should do the same.
I've learned that nothing is definite.. or indefinite.
I've learned that your health should always be your first priority.. and that doesn't mean a number on the scale or how toned your sweet body looks. No. I don't mean those at all.  You shouldn't either.
I've learned that being able to control my feelings is nearly impossible.
I've learned that I need to start asking for help.  Cuz I'm not that strong.
I've learned that life is very different now from how it used to be.. and that there's a serious disconnect happening between people.  It makes me sad.. and slightly afraid.
I've learned that I can't trust my own judgement.  nor yours.
I've learned that I have an affinity for the sad sad songs when I feel grief stricken.
I've learned that I'm majorly fucked up. and so are a lot of people. way more than me.
I've learned that I've always enjoyed being on my own.  Maybe there's a reason for that.
I've learned that I don't know how to be mean to someone I love. Even if they deserve it.
I've learned that a promise can always be broken in love.. along with your heart. Multiple times.
I've learned that keeping secrets makes you feel ill.
I've learned that coffee is the devil. and super bad for you. on every level.
I've learned that I seem to have a lot in common with Taylor Swift and her inclination towards emotionally dysfunctional people.
I've learned a lot of her songs.
I've learned that people lie and act horribly because of their own fears and hang ups
I've learned that I'm already bored of wanting to write a new blog entry..
I've learned that naming your plants makes it much more monumental.
I've learned that it's not all in my head.  but sometimes it is.
I've learned that I have a gift.  and I should learn more about it.
I've learned that I'm really afraid of a lot of things.
I've learned that being mindful is the only way to live.  and I'm still learning.

Yet I've learned absolutely nothing at all...