All her dreams are made of strawberry lemonade . . .

Starting now...

It's my world.

    Here's to making brand new paths
    and having paved over all the old ones.
    Happy summer days everyone!


But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -

Starting now I'll never know your name.
Starting now I'll never feel the same.
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.


The past few nights I have been tormented with these dreams and I have no idea where they came out of. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't even go back to sleep because of these wretched dreams. I've been so fine for so long now and totally in the clear. I don't understand it and it's put me into a head spin that I feel like the ground beneath my feet has given out. I don't know where it's coming from and the reason for it. All I know is that I don't want them to be there at all.

I've spent my entire life bottling everything up. It may seem like I write a lot out and tell everyone everything because I'm always posting things on everything. But I'm only posting small bits of the story but maybe not entire truths always.

I went through my very old journal from 2003 and further back.. and reading those old entries made me think of how out of whack things were then. But then when I skipped onward to my 2nd blog.. i have only private entries on the recent posts.. dating back from mid 2007 until August 2008. I came across the most sincere letter I wrote to somebody... I don't know why I never sent it. Maybe it was wise.. it looks like i was grovelling in it.. but in reality, it was the most sincere I have ever been. When I've probably never been. Not with my thoughts and feelings. When you put yourself entirely out there you leave yourself completely vulnerable. I don't like to feel vulnerable. I hate it. So, I never put myself in that position. This is why I flee. This is why I hide, I turn away, I run, I move on.. call it whatever you want to. But when I cannot move forward in a way that will not leave me vulnerable.. the only thing I know how to do .. is retreat.

I don't know how I come across to the rest of the world. To my peers.. and everyone around me. But I know how I feel inside. I feel like the most vulnerable and soft person I have ever known in my entire life. My insides are soft marshmallow puff. Worse. Trust me. If you only knew what was really going on inside of my head right now.. you'd look at me in disbelief. "No way.. you seem so tough and happy go lucky & cheery all the time!" Ya.. maybe sometimes that's sincere.. but I can almost guarantee you that most times.. it's not.

I have no idea why things have happened the way that they did in my life. I don't expect sympathy or pity hugs. I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to let go of so many things... I just want to open up. I'd love to know why..? But I won't hold my breath. So what if I seem so strong and I'll always pull through... but to me.. I am the biggest weakling I've ever known.. and I'm quivering on the ground every single day with how hopeless and defeated I feel and how scared .. terrified I am of loss and so many other things... when all I wish is to quiet that noise. And as cliché as it may sound.. just to be free.

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

With so much to take in that's been happening.. all that I've lived to witness so far.. it's SO so hard to maintain high hopes and positivity. I question the very reasoning for me being here.. every single day! when I don't fit in. I don't belong. My thoughts, my feelings and everything.. almost as if I'm on a different realm. The dis attachment of people. the lies. the deceit. the not caring. stabs and pushes. cuts and wounding. disinterest and shallow gazes. sell to the highest bidder. settle for the lowest bidder with charm & glitz. the list goes on. the pain goes on. and all this dishonesty and hurtfulness around me constantly tears my heart out of my chest on a daily basis. it's become so hard for me to breathe at times.

But occasionally.. just when I feel as if I've lost all hope in humanity and how it rears it's ugly head.. a little something special happens that reignites that little flame inside of my heart and it sets it aglow brighter than any star that I've ever seen in the sky. Thank goodness for tiny miracles, smiles and little lovely happenings. Thank goodness for all of those and more.