All her dreams are made of strawberry lemonade . . .


The past few nights I have been tormented with these dreams and I have no idea where they came out of. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't even go back to sleep because of these wretched dreams. I've been so fine for so long now and totally in the clear. I don't understand it and it's put me into a head spin that I feel like the ground beneath my feet has given out. I don't know where it's coming from and the reason for it. All I know is that I don't want them to be there at all.

I've spent my entire life bottling everything up. It may seem like I write a lot out and tell everyone everything because I'm always posting things on everything. But I'm only posting small bits of the story but maybe not entire truths always.

I went through my very old journal from 2003 and further back.. and reading those old entries made me think of how out of whack things were then. But then when I skipped onward to my 2nd blog.. i have only private entries on the recent posts.. dating back from mid 2007 until August 2008. I came across the most sincere letter I wrote to somebody... I don't know why I never sent it. Maybe it was wise.. it looks like i was grovelling in it.. but in reality, it was the most sincere I have ever been. When I've probably never been. Not with my thoughts and feelings. When you put yourself entirely out there you leave yourself completely vulnerable. I don't like to feel vulnerable. I hate it. So, I never put myself in that position. This is why I flee. This is why I hide, I turn away, I run, I move on.. call it whatever you want to. But when I cannot move forward in a way that will not leave me vulnerable.. the only thing I know how to do .. is retreat.

I don't know how I come across to the rest of the world. To my peers.. and everyone around me. But I know how I feel inside. I feel like the most vulnerable and soft person I have ever known in my entire life. My insides are soft marshmallow puff. Worse. Trust me. If you only knew what was really going on inside of my head right now.. you'd look at me in disbelief. "No way.. you seem so tough and happy go lucky & cheery all the time!" Ya.. maybe sometimes that's sincere.. but I can almost guarantee you that most times.. it's not.

I have no idea why things have happened the way that they did in my life. I don't expect sympathy or pity hugs. I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to let go of so many things... I just want to open up. I'd love to know why..? But I won't hold my breath. So what if I seem so strong and I'll always pull through... but to me.. I am the biggest weakling I've ever known.. and I'm quivering on the ground every single day with how hopeless and defeated I feel and how scared .. terrified I am of loss and so many other things... when all I wish is to quiet that noise. And as cliché as it may sound.. just to be free.


missc said...

I expect sympathy and pity hugs... awww lady! good chat yesterday at lunch! i know how your feeling.. feel betters its all gonna turn around soon. *hugs*

and yes you always appear to be the happy, cheerie, strong non marshmellow girl inside. Your my rock, manager, stylist! haha lurv you! xo

PS,, the verification word for me to type in right now to post this is "blessing" how bizarre!