All her dreams are made of strawberry lemonade . . .

the end of an anchor

I'm here sipping on my timmy's catching up with an old friend of mine. We haven't had a proper conversation in ages! Asking me about stuff from way back when.. so, I updated him. It got me thinking about a lot of stuff.

I stopped wondering about how things happened, why things happened and if things really did happen and a bunch of other stuff. There's no point in rehashing stuff that makes no sense but plainly put, just doesn't matter anymore.

This year is a very different one for me. I feel a sense of maturity and clarity that was never there before. It's a good thing. It's a comforting thing in a way. But most importantly, I feel positive, relaxed and quite satisfied with what is going on and what is to come.

You know, looking back.. at all those times my past partner accused me of unfaithfulness, it makes all the sense in the world now. I never once did actually venture off or stray at any point.. even though I surely had enough motivation to do so and probably just as much right. But I didn't. Not even once. I'm sure he thought otherwise. He could think otherwise for the rest of his days for all I care. What he believes doesn't affect me or matter in the grand scheme of things. Because, it's evident that his accusations were merely projections of what he, in fact, was very guilty of. But he got a lot more than he bargained for. So, that isn't my concern anymore. But I know now that a million other previous experiences were all the same. Now, it all means nothing to me.

It's funny how someone can go from being the number one spot in your heart to be completely nothing at all. It's a little sad in a way. I wish I could've kept some of the good memories and thoughts and feelings. But they've all completely vanished. Gone. They are all gone. The devestation from the betrayal completely wiped out that section of my hard drive.. if that makes any sense. It doesn't to me. But it's what happened. Such is how things go I guess.

It seems as if I keep spitting out a repeat of things. But I'm not really. I feel as if the only way to wipe any slate clean is to attack those last lingering thoughts that float through the air so that they can eventually vanish forever. It's all a part of the ongoing process of moving so far away from having been in an awful and dark place for far too long.

I think back on the years of my life.. and half the time I barely remember events. I say things like "that happened?" or "when was that?" or a series of other things. Just a blank and sterile palate that I was dragging through for such a long long time.

I feel as if my plate of food finally has some seasoning in it. If that makes any sense at all. I can taste life again. I can taste it.. and boy, does it taste wonderful. It tastes so delicious. I'm in love with life all over again. I've shed this cape of wretched darkness that's been over my shoulders for such a long time.. and I'm not even sure how or when it happened. I just know that it has happened and it's pretty amazing. I sound like such a freak going on about my positivity.. so, I'll shut up now.

Sunday will be 2 years that my cousin Giacomo has been gone. I cannot believe that it's been 2 years already. I miss him all the time. I wish my family were closer together. I wish he didn't die in vain and that everyone would lose their malicious ways. But that never happened. And I'm sorry Giacomo. I'm sorry that no one can be humble and kind and look past their selfish and hideous ways and hold an open hand out to their brothers and sisters. I'm sorry for such ugliness. I hope it will change one day... I still miss you and think of you often. You're a bright star in my sky for always.

I think I want to leave here. I'm pretty sure I do. I'm not sure where yet. I'm looking into it. Most likely out of the province or out of the country.. or even continent. I am hoping that by 2012, I will have a clearer idea of where I will start things new. I think I've done all that I can do where I am here and I need to leave here and experience something entirely new and different. This place just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I find it to be dull and lifeless and I find no joy in Toronto city life. My time here has definitely drawn to an end. Once I get the rest of my stuff sorted out, I can finally move forward.. and with my workplace changing over and me taking the buy out and finally leaving the company (HALLELUJAH!).. I can start fresh somewhere else. I'm quite excited. Hooray for new beginnings.

Yann Tiersen is performing at the Mod Club. You have no idea how amazing and fabulous that is to know. If you don't know who that is.. then you need to find out. Because you're seriously lacking in your life if you do not know the likes of him.

I guess I've said all I've needed to say. I've dealt with any last lingering floaties that hovered around my head and such. Wanted to start the year right and banish any remnants of undesirable feelings and thoughts that stuck on the bottom of my shoe. You know how it is.

I do want to add... that I am still so madly in love. I do use the term madly.. because I am completely MAD and insane for feeling this way.. because I do not even understand it myself... nor do I wish to keep it around. It makes no sense to me at all. It should go away. Just leave.. I feel like a crazy person most days for having such enormous feelings for something I cannot even begin to explain or even justify. Seriously. It's insanity in its finest form. Lord help me... haha No, really though. If ever there was one perfect person on this planet that is the most perfectly matched and in tune with me.. then it would undoubtedly be him. But.. I guess not. For it is not in the cards to be that way. Because how can such feelings be so one sided? Or maybe this is just my one taste of unrequited love for all the times those people were in love with me when I never loved them back. But surely they were not really in love with me. I hardly knew them and we shared nothing intimately. But, whatever the reason... there isn't anything I can do about it. So, I do what I do best. I run. I run away from things.. I cannot handle or control or cannot comprehend... I run away as fast and as far as I can. I run away.

So.. I'll go finish doing the many little things that need to be done. Listen to some amazing music (btw have you heard of Kate Nash, Missy Higgins & Ingrid Michaelson? No? well, you should.. they are all very fine artists. Brilliant arists. please check them out.) And I will leave you with this most amazing picture of my cat Lilly... who is always up to no good. And this picture makes me laugh so much every time I look at it. So, I have to share with everyone. If you haven't already seen it posted on my twitter or facebook. Have an awesome weekend. And Happy new year to all of you. the BEST of wishes. :))))) .xoxo.

{ she is a goddamned spy }

a little add-on:
after i posted this i realized that perhaps i was a bit hasty.. and some of the things i wrote weren't necessarily what i was feeling.. but more of a what i had been feeling or what i thought i was feeling. but not so much what i was really feeling. what i'm really feeling would require an entire post on its own. but nevertheless.. there were definitely some truths to it.. or seemingly truths.. because it's hard to tell the difference sometimes. because other times it makes me sick to my stomach and i get so angry at myself at how i would waste such sentiment on someone who clearly does not deserve any of it. there are far more remarkable people out there. and heaven only knows why i seem to be stuck on this one wasted case. there no longer is a reason to pull back to the scene.. and i've come to the conclusion that it's not a scene i want to be in anymore. of painted scenarios in my head... but don't kid yourself into thinking that nothing was never there. because there was. and only a complete fool would deny that. but that's all in the past now. and hand holding in the car and all those other little elements will be chalked up to my own imagination running rampant again. because i guess.... that's what you want me to believe. so, then.. i will. and that.. is the end of that. fare thee well.