All her dreams are made of strawberry lemonade . . .

No big surprise, we turned out this way.

For the first time in my life I feel defeated. I don't know what to say anymore and what to think or feel. I feel as if I'm in this nebulous existence with a blur of scenes whizzing by me at record speed. I fell to the ground quickly with a big thump and now I'm standing completely still and I'm too paralyzed to move; to get up and turn around, whether forward or backward or anywhere.

I've always had this tremendous heart full of so much hope, no matter what life swung at me. I could always cope and find ways to carry on and find the light at the end of the tunnel; find the right in the midst of all the wrong. Somehow, those days seem so far away from me right now. I don't have the will to pick myself up anymore and dust myself off and plow forward. I'm so disillusioned.. no, I'm destroyed for lack of better words.. destroyed by the impact of everything that I've endured. Seems a bit dramatic maybe.. but if you could see inside my heart and soul and see the suffering that I've been through in the many years that have already past in my life.. then maybe you would understand a little bit more. I don't expect you to... I can't understand mostly anything myself these days.

I'm at a loss. I sincerely do not know how to carry on anymore... and quite frankly, I do not care to anymore...


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